Gary the Gretchin Physicist
by MA7
Summary: The average Ork might be rather dumb, but as you will see, their diminutive gretchin brothers really are not all that dim at all.


Gary the Gretchin Physicist

***...

The average Ork might be rather dumb, but as you will see, their diminutive gretchin brothers really are not all that dim at all.

***...

Chapter 1(Gary)

The alien rotating orbital cylinder was HUGE, absolutely mind messingly gigantically big. You really would not believe how stupidly huge, bigger than the average nation in diameter alone, and don't even get me started on the LENGTH!

This great big rotating cylindrical thing was covered on one end with solar power panels, and was connected at it's ends by hinges to long stationary lattice structures full of pressurised corridors, stupidly long high strength structures covered all over by yet more solar panels that connected this cylinder to MILLIONS of identical stupidly gigantic rotating cylinders, forming a vast ring of cylinders and super structure that orbited a nearby star.

This ring of structures was beyond mere mortal concepts of "bigness", it was absolutely "you honestly can't be fucking serious" levels of sheer too freaking big! But it didn't even end there, as this sanity defyingly huge ring was itself merely one of BILLIONS of similar rings, all with slightly differently angled orbits, together almost completely enclosing the star with a giant sphere of orbiting structures!

Together this bigger than big sphere of "stuff" absorbed over 75 percent of all the visible light of the star at it's centre, generating so much power that just writing down the number of energy units would fill a page with numbers, and then radiating said power away as heat afterwards lest the sphere cook itself to death. I know what you are thinking, "only 75 percent of the light is collected, 25 percent unused, what a terrible waste!" I agrees with you, we are working on it, be patient.

Anyways, back to the original stupidly big rotating cylinder. This cylinder is where I live, it's called "Mathsy Physics Cylinder number... (it's a really big number, I is not writing its!)". It's a nice place to live, full of mathy gits like me of various races who solve the mysteries of the universe.

My name is Gary, I is a gretchin, the smartest type of Ork, I is very small but I is a genius. I have a Dork-toral degree in mathy physics, I use the mathiest of mathy maths to describe how the universe works, I is really REALLY smart!

I work in this cylinder for the alien civilisation that made this great big sphere thing, they are really great employers, hire smart people from all different races to help them figure out how the universe works and stuff.

The boss civilisation race doesn't really have their own name for themselves, they are not big on giving names to things, they is aliens and think really weird, they is an odd bunch. Well since they don't have a name for themselves, the various types of Ork named them "the Gun Bunnies", as they sell lots of guns and look a bit like those bunny animal things, well not really but sort of, they actually look really weird, like alien weird and stuff.

Well anyway, the Gun Bunnies are like the DUMBEST smart people you will ever meet, like super duper smart in some areas but dumber than the dumbest Ork in some other areas. I is a genius and even I can't figure out why they are both so dumb and so smart at the same time.

The Gun Bunnies are the complete genius masters of molecular nanotechnology and molecular engineering, they have this really weird type of radio wave vision as their natural biology primary sense, they can see in so many different frequencies that they can see all of these different molecular absorption patterns that other races can't see, it lets them know the complete molecular structure of stuff just by looking at it, and they like discovered molecular nanotechnology before they like even developed like normal Bronze Age stuff.

They is like primitives or something, but that have this natural technology for molecular engineering despite being like not fully evolved or something. They is the crappiest physicists ever, their brains just don't think very mathy, and nanotechnology is the only thing they is really very good at.

Before the Gun Bunnies met the Orks, they were only able to develop big stuff like space flight and these space structures by trial and error, figuring out what works but with no idea why it works. They spent like centuries shooting stuff into the sky (,and killing heaps of people), until they stumbled on a way that worked.

Perfecting these space structures had been downright dangerous until they met the Orks and started employing gretchin physicists!

The gretchin had helped design all of this big sphere thing, and had figured out that if you spin a big cylinder then you get centrifugal artificial gravity for like very little power, rather than that power wasting artificial gravity the mekboys usually built.

The Gun Bunnies had trusted the mekboys at first... but after the mekboys space infrastructure blew up in a big boom, the Gun Bunnies decided that the smarty gretchin were better...

Well now the gretchin were the main scientists for the Gun Bunny civilisation, and the Orks were not allowed to bully them. And given free reign to be in charge for once, the gretchin had really surprised even themselves with how smart they could be.

Well anyway, this is my story, well a bit of it, as I work to solve the mathiest maths that ever did math and rip away the curtain thing to expose the workings of the entire universe!

***...

The tempers were flaring inside one of the many maths rooms as a group of physicists argued over the results of a recent astronomical survey on their portable computer machine things.

"LOOK at the absorption patterns of that white dwarf supernova, look how much extra red it is! This is undeniable proof that the Big Fart Theory is correct!" Gary angrily argued with his stupid colleagues.

"Squig shit! This just proves that white dwarf supernova can be different colours! The universe was NOT farted out of Gork's backside in a giant fart, it is eternal as stated by the Steady Mork Theory!" Kevin the gretchin rebutted.

"At least get your terms right, the universe was farted out of Mork's bum not Gork's!" Terry the gretchin added pedantically.

"What about MY theory that the universe was squirted out of Slaanesh's vagina!" Argued Lyresh the Unjaded, a minor type of sentient daemon/mortal hybrid creature that seemed to infest this region of the galaxy's western halo stars.

"The Big Squirt Theory is exactly the same physics as the Big Fart Theory, I don't care what deity created the universe out of whatever orifice, the maths is all the same!" Gary insisted before this could get too far off topic.

"Exactly! Look at all the data from every single white dwarf supernova this civilisation has ever recorded, in all except the closest of galaxies the white dwarf supernova become more red in proportion to their distance away from Slaanesh's galaxy. These distant galaxies are red shifting from the Dipshit Effect, they are ACCELERATING away from us proportional to distance!" Lyresh concurred emphatically.

"The Dipshit Effect might break down over intergalactic distances, it has only been systematically recorded in laboratories SMALLER than a galaxy, it cannot be verified in a lab!" Kevin the gretchin argued.

"Well isn't THAT convenient you git! Every time something extragalactic doesn't fit your beliefs you can just demand that we have to build a lab bigger than the freaking galaxy! What a total cop out!" Gary laughed in triumph.

"We might find more data that explains why these distant objects get so red," Kevin warned stubbornly.

"Or we might not because the Steady Mork Theory of the Universe is squig shit!" Gary snapped.

"But if the Big Fart Theory is correct then why can't we see Mork's bum in our telescopes, and why are all the galaxies and hydrogen gas uniformly distributed in every direction rather than holding to the patterns of a fart?," Bob the gretchin asked foolishly.

"Mork didn't fart out GAS, he farted out SPACE. The galaxies and hydrogen and stuff are not actually moving much at all, space ITSELF is getting bigger BETWEEN all the galaxies and stuff. The physical stuff in the universe used to be super duper hot and concentrated in a really tiny space, as the original universe itself was so small that the heat and matter had no space to expand into. Mork then farted out more SPACE into the tiny original universe, and the space expanded so fast that all the gas and hydrogen and stuff suddenly found itself so spread out, that galaxy sized clumps of gas suddenly had huge big gaps between them, and those gaps are getting bigger at an exponential rate!" Gary explained

"Squig shit! The universe is eternal and unchanging, Mork has kept the universe the same forever, and he just adds new stuff periodically when old stuff burns out, to keep everything STEADY," Kevin shouted yet again.

"Then why haven't we ever SEEN new materials being added to the universe, and why can't we see beyond a certain distance if the universe is eternally old and eternally big?," Lyresh riposted.

"Maybe light itself decays after a certain distance?, Maybe it goes redder as it decays and then is completely gone?," Kevin offered hopefully.

"We don't have a single shred of evidence to support any of that. You can't just hand wave away problems in your theory by appealing to even more unsubstantiated claims as an answer," Lyresh pointed out.

"Um, well fuck the evidence, I'm still right!" Kevin snapped, and threw his computer at Lyresh.

Lyresh sliced the projectile computer in half with her long crab claws, and poked out an extremely long tongue at Kevin mockingly.

Kevin angrily stormed out, cursing all the way, and Gary cheered and patted Lyresh on her extremely pale back in congratulation.

"Pat me lower than that," Lyresh purred suggestively.

Gary laughed awkwardly and removed his hand from the Slaaneshi creature.

"Pity you Orkoids lack sexual organs," Lyresh sighed in a lyrical voice, and returned to typing on her computer with her crab claws at the end of her arms.

"Why don't you just ASK Slaanesh how the universe was created," Gary gently inquired the warp entity.

"I alas have never met him in person, I was born in this host body, this prison of flesh. I cannot escape without killing my host, and I cannot return easily if I do. I promise it will be the first question I ask Slaanesh when I am finally free," Lyresh said sadly.

Gary shrugged, the demon race known as the Unjaded were weird, they were warp entities that used mortal hosts to reproduce more Unjaded demons, either by sexual transmission to a susceptible host or by physical birth from the body of an already possessed host. Orkoids like Gary lacked sexual organs so couldn't be infected, the same went for the Gun Bunnies, so these normally hostile demons didn't see them as breeding fuel and could actually work together and even be friendly.

Gary himself had been born in the Gun Bunny civilisation, the mushroom spores that grew him had taken root in the vegetable garden of a slightly annoyed Gun Bunny in a rotating cylinder, and Gary had been raised in a special educational system set up for xenos in the Gun Bunny civilisation.

Gary's genius level intellect had been identified early on, and he had been given the best mathematical education the Gun Bunnies and their xenos employees could offer.

Gary had been working in this Maths cylinder ever since he finished his Dork-toral degree in "mathy physics", about 5 solar orbital rotations time ago. He had spent his entire career trying to prove the Big Fart Theory, and was a leading mathematician in the field.

Gary knew a lot of physicists, but certainly not all that existed in the employ of the Gun Bunnies, not even CLOSE to knowing them all, there were just too many. But of those physicists he DID know, he couldn't really stand 98 percent of the gits.

The system of orbital rotating cylinders was HUGE, with more habitable floor space than every planet and moon in the entire galaxy combined (, and yes Gary HAD done the maths to prove that this was true), orders of magnitude more living space than any major race in the galaxy!

It was honestly bizarre that no one else in the galaxy had thought to just disassemble a few minor planets to make trillions of nice, climate controlled, continent floor space sized rotating cylinders for a lot cheaper and less effort than terraforming even a single new planet.

It was almost as if the races of the galaxy had been "written" by a bunch of unscientific popular culture morons in some era, like say, to make up a purely hypothetical made up era, the mid seventies and early eighties, when the public no longer gave a shit about space travel and saw space colonisation purely through some sort of moronic, baby boomer type planet centric mindset, the sort of people who might think that "depleted deuterium" (,literally common as shit hydrogen), was actually a thing that would be great for making bullets with because it sounded "cool"... It was extremely curious.

Well for whatever reason, the other races didn't do this extremely obvious thing in over 40 thousand years of space flight, and a bunch of gretchin and moronic Gun Bunnies were apparently the first people to create this. And having created more perfectly climate controlled living space than the surface of every planet in the galaxy, (with little more than some carbon and aluminium and other extremely cosmically abundant stuff as building materials), the amount of available space and soil had enabled the mother of all population explosions once some Ork spores entered the system.

The population of Orkoids grew faster than could be counted each day, and the Gun Bunnies had already figured out a nanotechnology to prevent anything other than gretchin developing in their artificial soils, resulting in more potential gretchin physicists than you could meet in a lifetime, (and 98 percent of whom were complete gits!).

Gary tried not to think too deeply about this, it made him feel somewhat insignificant to know just how many other gretchin there were...

Gary returned his attention to his maths, this latest red shifting supernova was perfectly providing his theory.

White dwarf supernova of this sort were identical in spectrum every time they happened, the moment these types of stars sucked up enough mass, they automatically exploded when they reached a very specific amount of mass, creating a very specific explosion with very specific electromagnetic wave patterns, unmistakable.

Every so often in a given galaxy one of these supernova would occur, and the Dipshit Effect would make these very specific explosions look more red if they were moving away from you, and more blue if they were moving towards you. The redder the light was, the faster it was moving away from you, giving a very precise measurement of the rate of motion of the galaxy the supernova originated in.

And most of these supernova were VERY red indeed, some of them so red that they were moving at approximately the speed of light!

And the further away they were, the faster they were moving away, absolutely directly correlated to their distance away. The actual space in between these galaxies was growing bigger, as Mork's fart expanded the volume of the universe without adding more matter to it!

It was the only explanation!

***...


End file.
